I was just about to go to bed after a particularly rough day. Nothing terrible happened but it was the type of day when everything was a struggle from breakfast to bedtime. I heard myself talking to Abby and to me I sounded like a monster. She wasn't listening but she wasn't being terrible. Her actions did not warrant my tone. Some days, I feel out of control but I am able to give the allusion of control. There are some days that I lose it.
And feel guilty beyond measure. I apologized to her and hugged her and promised to have a better day tomorrow. But why did I let myself get so explosive?
Maybe it's PMS, lack of sleep, or just stress.
Or maybe it's the fact that I sometimes allow myself to be a doormat. There are so many times that I say, 'It's fine' or 'No problem' or 'OK'. The reality is that it is not fine, it is a problem and it is not OK. I tend to allow people to take advantage to a point where a explode and then everyone around me is confused by my reaction.
I HATE confrontation and very rarely feel better afterwards. So, I lie. On a daily basis. I lie to myself and to those around me.
For example, I had my yearly Dr. appointment the other day. You ladies know how that goes. Well, these appointments are always stressful for me because my Mom's breast cancer was found by her Dr. My appointment was scheduled since November. Discussed and written on the calendar. Dan was scheduled off and figured if he got a slip for court then he would just call out.
Except he didn't find out he had court until the day before my appointment (ah, the joys of being a police wife) and they have been cracking down on officers for calling out of court (another joy, days off are not necessarily days off). My response: It's ok, we'll manage.
WE'LL MANAGE? How in the world did I think I would manage handling a fussy baby and curious toddler while spread eagle on a table? Sounds like a freakin' nightmare!
Thankfully, he showed up at the office before the Dr. came into the room. Unfortunately, it was after I pretty much traumatized Abby by explaining, in as simple terms as possible, what the stirrups were for (what was I supposed to do, wait until the Dr. was doing his thing to explain?).
My point is, my lie, 'It's OK, we'll manage', caused tons of problems. I was resentful all morning. I was passive aggressive (don't tell Dan I admitted that) which led to a huge blow up fight. I should have been honest and upfront. It may not have changed anything but it would have gotten the frustration out of me.
That frustration is what came out today when I heard myself sound like a monster. All the pent up frustrations are being taken out on the most innocent. That's not fair and that's not how I want to be. EVER.
So, I need to stop lying on daily basis. This is my home. This is my life. I need to speak up for what I think is right and quit saying, 'It's OK'.
Because, it just isn't.
*Linking up with Mama Kat and answering the prompt: List of lies you consistently tell.